I thought I was afraid of failure, I was actually afraid of judgment. Those that have done, can’t do, won’t do, and haven’t tried all have something to say but then I realize, realizing of course is an exercise, that they do not matter. As much as I love and appreciate those in my life, the truth is, what they think just doesn’t matter. They don’t lay awake wondering if I made the right decision, which will be my responsibility. So with that being said, I celebrate making decisions to change before reaching a point where a situation has become critical. It never easy to let a “good thing” go but when you can be certain that it’s only a matter of time before the good thing goes bad, it’s wiser to end things on a high note. However, before I put that nail in the coffin of what could have been I sat and thought about what was really going on. How I was denying myself of dreams because I cared about the wrong things and the wrong people.
The thing that should concern me is my contentment and the person that I should care about is me.
I’m sharing this list of what I need most in the year to come right here so that it’ll be open to all that care to see and also as an exercise to overcome the fear of judgment, even my own self judgment.
I need courage, I fear making the wrong decisions so often that I don’t make a decision
I need a partner, I am such a loner but when I have someone to share my life with I’m the happiest person I’ve ever been. That partner frees me to be creative, fearless, loving, and bold.
I need space, space to think, grow, move, love, create …just emotional and mental freedom
I cannot live without outlets for love, creativity, sorrow, anger, and frustration. We often resist exposing these things to other people for fear of being burdens but I need someone, some place and something to be the outlet for these feelings and experiences.
I want to experience being mother. I’m a nurturer by nature. I want to experience being a spouse; I’m a sower, a lover, and a supporter.
I want to be brave enough to avoid certain disaster even if it looks like there’s a chance of possible success. I hate when I lie to myself.
I want all of the things that I feel so deeply to be manifested so I don’t have to pray that they are validated.
I love the me I am becoming, physically. I want to be bold enough to not let the insecurities of the past rear their ugly heads when I hit a bump in the road or simply a difference of opinion. Preference is indeed personal.
I want to love someone fearlessly.
I want to be loved fearlessly.
I want to just be loved honestly and fairly.
Justice for my heart.
——-I’ve only been 37 for a week
They say sleep is a necessity I’m starting to believe it’s a luxury
I dont think it’s ever about you being ready. It’s really about are you willing…you’re never ready even when you think you are
If you have nothing to do, there’s something you need to do that you’re probably not doing
Love is nice but sometimes it’s just impossible or at least it seems to be
Some times you have to do the math. If it just doesn’t add up something is wrong.
I learned that I am enough
I know that tired is a state of mind
Restless is anxiety
Anxiety is fear
And fear……well, it’s a lie we tell ourselves
I’m strong than I feel but weaker than I appear to others
I’m terrified of failure but failure is petrified of me
Healing is easier when you decide that the hurt isn’t terminal
I guess that’s all I learned in the last week. I feel like that’s a lot!
Bye…..thanks for listening with your eyes